IT IS NOT ABUSE!
I see a lot of comments on forums saying that domestic discipline is abuse, or an excuse to abuse your spouse. This is so far from the truth. There is definitely a fine line between discipline/punishment and abuse, but my husband does not abuse me. My husband and I spent many months discussing what we wanted out of this relationship and lifestyle prior to really indulging in it. Not to mention, I was the one that suggested it. My husband punishes me because there are behaviors that he and I would both like for me to change. He does it out of love, not out of anger or hate. My husband loves me very much and was reluctant to spank me because he didn’t want to hurt me. He does it now because he sees how it relieves stress of both of us, he can see the difference it makes, and it has only brought us closer together. He is not hitting me anywhere other than my bottom and thighs, he will leave marks, but he has never made me bleed. That isn’t his intent. After each spanking, he holds me close and tells me how much he loves me and reminds me that he spanks me out of love. Does that sound like abuse?
Yes, he does spank me. Yes, that can be considered “hitting.” Yes, it does hurt and sometimes there are bruises. BUT, I feel that I need it and we love it. I trust my husband to know when he has spanked me enough and not to take it too far, and he never has. We talk about why I am being spanked and make up goals and rules together. Domestic Discipline has done nothing but bring us closer. We trust each other so much more, and communicate much better now. Not to mention, sexually it’s a huge turn on for him to dominate and spank me.
I have also read that women involved in these types of relationships “must have a low self-esteem.” This is not the case either. I have a high enough self esteem to want to better myself. I love the person that I am, but I know that no one is perfect and everyone can do better. My husband is just helping me to do that. I want to be the best person I can be not only for my husband, but for myself as well. I don’t feel that I need to be hit because I am not good enough or because I am a woman, I feel that every once in a while I need a spanking because I want it, it relieves stress, and it helps to keep me on track of my own goals!
I believe there is a lot of “grey area” in domestic discipline. I have read other definitions of domestic discipline that say that the only form of punishment involved in domestic discipline is spanking and it should only be done with the HoH’s hand. . .that shoe doesn’t fit for us. As far as punishments and rewards go I think it is whatever works for the couple. My husband and I like corner time, anal punishments, light humiliation, etc. We also don’t usually have sex after a punishment. There are times when we just can’t help ourselves (we’re young and in love, what do you want?), but for the most part we try to keep punishment and sex separate. We also use several different implements. My husband’s hand is very big and he is very strong so as you can imagine a hand spanking from him is quite the spanking, but I have a high pain tolerance and we like to mix it up a bit. When my husband uses a hairbrush or a paddle, not only does it hurt more than his hand, but it doesn’t hurt him as much either so he is able to go for longer.
I’m not saying that domestic discipline is right for everyone. Just like not every type of punishment is right for everyone. It works for us, and we’re happy. I just wish people would be a bit more open minded or tolerant of other people’s decisions and lifestyles.
I am not religious, but I do believe that a wife should submit to her husband. I don’t feel that I am equal to a man, nor do I want to be. That doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated like dirt or that I am less of a person than a man, I am just different. I am a woman. I am strong in places that my husband is weak and I am weak where he is strong. We compliment each other. We’re not supposed to be the same. I find that life flows a lot smoother when my husband and I work together as man and woman, with different jobs and roles than if we were constantly competing for control and power. My husband is in charge, but I have a big say in every decision and my thoughts, opinions, and feelings are very important to our family. My husband goes to work, I stay home with the baby. When I knowingly don’t do what I am supposed to do, I get punished. He doesn’t spank me because I have a different opinion or something silly like that, he spanks me when I disobey a rule that we have both agreed on. It’s pretty simple and we’re very happy.
So, now that you know that domestic discipline isn’t abuse, a cry for help, or my low self esteem, what is it? It’s love. It’s trust. It’s communication. It’s a release. It’s discipline. My husband loves me enough to take the time to make rules that we live by, and punish me when I break them. He knows that I want to behave and he helps me to do so. I love my husband enough to want to be the best wife and mother possible. We trust each other to make the best decisions for ourselves and each other. I trust him to not punish me beyond what I can tolerate and he trusts me to tell him when I misbehave and how I am feeling about things. We communicate everything to each other. From discussing rules and goals to punishments. This wouldn’t work if we couldn’t communicate what we wanted and expected out of each other and this lifestyle. It’s a huge stress reliever to be punished. I’m not sure I can articulate why, but it is such a release of stress, guilt, and anxiety. I always feel so much better after being punished. There are always consequences for your actions, so why not in the home as well? If I get in a bad mood and decide to take it out on my husband, why shouldn’t he take me over his knee and remind me that is disrespectful and unnecessary? I’m not saying that hitting is the answer to everything, because it’s not. We choose to do it as punishment in our marriage and it works because we have definite limitations and guidelines that we have discussed and agreed upon.
As I said, I’m not trying to sell domestic discipline. It’s not for everyone, but it is for us. I just want people to understand what it really is instead of jumping to conclusions like abuse. This is how domestic discipline works for us, I think it’s different for every couple and we’re still learning and changing. I’m not going to come up with a definition for domestic discipline because there is so much gray area that it would be a paragraph instead of a sentence. In short, it is what you make it! Feedback is always appreciated.